How does it feel, Cleggy - being rehoused?
Well I'm still next door to you, Howard.
It's a lot like it never happened.
Roses round the door. Keep smiling, Howard.
What are you doing, peering round corners?! Shh, not so loud.
There's a man assaulting a woman.
Well, do something about it!
I can't. Whyever not?
He's not started yet.
Gerrof.
Bit cheerful this morning.
Hey hey! A good grapple with Nora sets me up for the day.
Shop!
He has no nerve. It's marvellous how brave short people can be.
Shop!
Pour yourself a tea and stop howling.
Serve yourself now, is it, eh?
Don't spill it. Wha'?
Sorry!
Eh up, since when have thou been in charge?
Well I think it's fate, don't you?
Once you've been a leader of men, it's very difficult to stop.
Leader of men? When was that then, Noddy?
I don't want to talk about it, it's not the warrior's way.
Besides, many of the details are still classified.
He does talk some twonk.
But fluently.
HE SLURPS NOISILY
I've had heavily-armed men tramping through a swamp making less noise than that.
HE SLURPS NOISILY
Oh. Are you lot still here, then?
I'm only just come. Well it seems longer than that.
Things not going well this morning, Ivy?
Me catering toaster's packed in.
Is there anything I can do? No!
All right.
No need to be so hasty.
I can find my way round a catering toaster. Yeah, but I...
Oh!
Is he any good?
Now, be honest. If he's got a screwdriver in his hand, phone 999.
Check your fire insurance.
You're just trying to impress me, aren't you?
Howard...
Yes, love?
There's got to be more to life than this, Howard.
It's just we've got to be careful, love.
Careful?
How careful can you get?
Howard, we have been seeing each other all these years
and careful is as far as we've got.
I'm an expert on careful.
You never know when people are looking.
Don't you ever feel like throwing caution to the wind?
Well yes, I do.
Frequently.
But I don't see why we can't throw caution to the wind carefully.
Ohh! CRASH
How's he doing?
Well, there's nothing smoking.
Maybe he's got better since he's been painting eggs.
I can't see that being very likely.
He's still a great long dollop.
Don't say things like that while he's inside my toaster.
What's he doing?
There's still nothing smoking.
He's just whistling quietly.
It's a bit frightening this new, efficient Foggy.
It's like finding directory enquiries answering promptly.
I still say he's a great twit.
But that's the only way we can bear him.
I think you'll find everything in working order.
Just a loose wire. It's working?!
Of course it's working. Oh, hey!
Eee!
What are you doing out there, come back inside.
I must say I find this lack of confidence extremely irritating.
It does!
It works!
Just call on me any time.
I don't lay claim to any great technical skill, it's just
the practical hardiness of the jungle fighter.
Where did you fight all this jungle, Foggy? I can never go by with the garden.
I wasn't fighting the greenery, I was fighting Japs.
Trying to sell thee a motorbike, were they?
You didn't think I could mend that toaster, did you?
You're wondering where the skills come from.
Where they come from is experience. Battle experience.
Here we go again.
I hope he's not gonna talk about bayoneting.
I hate it when he gets all vivid about bayoneting.
Cut off in the jungle, surrounded by a ruthless enemy.
You have to learn how to cope with situations.
Cor, by 'eck that must've shaken the Japs.
All these determined Englishmen mending toasters...
Where do you think you're going?
I thought I'd get some... Well you won't "get some".
..Fresh air. Not on a bicycle.
You're banned from the bicycle.
It's time, at your age, you had your bicycle removed.
Fair enough, I'll...
I'll just go for a walk.
And if I catch you using your legs for unseemly purposes,
I'll remove them, an' all.
He mends a toaster, anybody'd think he'd built the Channel Tunnel.
From the cost, I sometimes think he IS building it.
You don't understand, do you?
It's the evidence that I haven't lost my aptitude as a practical man.
The trained soldier is, above all else, a practical man.
Turn his hand to anything.
Me mam were like that.
We know. Especially if no-one was watching her when she was shopping.
What's that sticking out of the water? More rubbish.
People are always dumping things.
Maybe it's the Yorkshire monster.
Come all the way from Loch Ness in search of better gravy.
Eh...it's a boat!
It's just a wreck.
Look who's talking. It's got holes in it.
Look who's talking.
My objection to it is that it was so damned heavy.
What are you gonna do with it? I'm gonna restore it.
Have you had any previous experience?
Well, I've mended a toaster.
Hang on. Don't move.
I was only going to... Never mind about that.
Come on.
I've got a bone to pick with you.
What have I done now?
Don't you think we should talk about it?
About what. Why it is you're planning to leave.
Planning to leave?
Don't think I don't notice.
Notice what?
I saw you sneaking it past the window.
I weren't sneaking. I was grunting and sweating
but I weren't sneaking.
Why, after all these years
are you planning to leave?
Nobody's planning to leave.
Then why do you need a boat?!
Oh!
Ooh.
Now, you see, you can't just leave a boat like that lying about to rot.
I could.
I'm going to restore it. It was once somebody's pride and joy.
Nora Batty! Pardon?
We could restore Nora Batty.
You can't get the parts.
I see. Some people restore vintage aircraft,
others vintage cars. I'm gonna restore this boat.
Eh, if tha's restoring this boat,
why is Wesley doing all the work?
It's my brain behind the whole project.
I'm just letting Wesley do the simple work.
All right, the boat's finished. What use is it?
That is what I said, Margaret.
What use is it?
We're listening, Foggy.
Get to work. All right, I'll tell you what use it is.
Look, I see it as part of the revival of inline waterways.
Well, slap my pochanickis.
A revival of the inland waterways?
Perhaps even a water taxi.
Oh, you can scoff,
but you'll be impressed her gleaming new,
and we have our own thriving water business.
Ships of the Dewhurst line are carrying my flag to the four corners of the Earth.
Pipe all hands.
De-dee!
Yes, you can laugh. You can laugh. COMPO LAUGHS
You laughed when I said I'd mend the toaster.
Here we are. Hey hey!
Two bacon and egg, one with mushrooms, one tomatoes.
Now, two cups of teas, isn't it? Don't forget toast.
Oh no, I won't forget.
SIZZLING
What the blood and stomach pills?
SIZZLING CONTINUES
Oh!
I'll kill him! Oh!
I will! I'll kill him!
Oh!
BANG! Aaagh!
SMASHING
SHE SPLUTTERS
Oh!
I'll kill him! I'll kill him!
A designed suite.
And not only is she seaworthy, she's now equipped to proceed under power.
When I say power, I mean power.
Isn't it a bit big?
There's gratitude for you.
You work your socks off finding an engine that'll fit... That fits?
With trousers like that, you've no business telling people what fits.
Where did you find a spare engine that fits?
Do we have to stand here all day talking about engines?
How do, Barry? How are you doing? Hello, Barry, lad.
Just in time for our launch. Oh.
Can I have word with you? What is it, you can see we're very busy.
It's just that I think something's missing from me car.
What might that be?
An engine.
We can't stop now,
we're very busy. I shouldn't worry about it, Barry.
I expect it'll soon turn up.
I once lost a wing mirror,
and there was an aerial, I've lost aerials.
And once there was a wheel disc, I lost a wheel disc,
but a whole engine?!
What am I gonna tell our Glenda?
She'll poke her head round and say, "Will you run me to the shops?"
They expect to get up and go whenever they feel like it.
They never think you might have lost your engine.
How do you long she'll keep your bike? I don't know, love.
I've no idea.
I've heard of two becoming one,
but I didn't think it meant on a bicycle.
Why me?
Because somebody has to be in the boat to unhook the thing when the crane puts it in the water.
Why not thee? Thee!
Can't you see I have to be here to organise things?
I'd love to be in the boat.
Let go of the crane!
BUBBLING
BUBBLING CONTINUES
I think we want a bit less engine, Wesley.
SQUELCHING
That's it, finished. Good grief, one little setback!
How did you get as wet as that? Well, he had some help.
Finished, no more.
What sort of person is it that gives up at the first mishap.
My kind.
He never even looked at me legs.
Poor soul.
He must be in acute discomfort.
You see, you're enjoying it now.
I'm dry now.
How deep is it?
I don't know how deep it is.
Oh, God! I'm out here on the water and nobody knows how deep it is.
Watch the scenery, just relax and enjoy the scenery.
What scenery?
I think tha's got to open thy eyes, Norm.
You see. It gets trickier and trickier.
I wish I could get Nora on the boat.
Why do you have to go and spoil everything?
We just get things right and you go and spoil everything.
I meant me and Nora alone on the boat.
Oh! Just you and her, that's all right then. Cos we don't have to be near her.
I think it's a great idea.
If he's out there, alone, on the boat with Nora,
it means that I'm back here, safely on the land.
I knew tha'd understand. We've got to help him get alone on the boat with Nora.
Ah ha.
It's no good.
I'll never get alone on board with me. You give in too easily.
Too easily? I've been chasing her for 50 years.
You wanna be careful. It could become a habit.
A trained military mind can find a solution to every problem.
Go on, how's thou gonna get her on boat?
Wait. You don't just say the first thing that comes into your head. Lifeboat!
Well, it was just the first thing that came into my head.
These things take planning. Right, get planning then.
Just tell me how tha's gonna get Nora Batty on board.
Right, well, suppose I invited her to take a little boat trip.
You filthy swine.
Do you hear that, Norm? He's trying to pinch my girl.
How lucky can you get?
She's not gonna accept your invitation.
We have to lure her aboard. He's going to lure her!
I didn't think he'd have the nerve. I wouldn't have the nerve.
When she's on board, we've got to find an excuse for getting you on board.
And you, out of the way. Yes, correct.
How?
Now, I'm steering,
and Clegg is Nora.
He don't look like Nora.
That's the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me.
Will you pay attention?
I'm drifting down the waterways with Nora Batty,
and suddenly an old war wound starts acting up and I find myself disabled at the helm.
HE GASPS
Now, the boat is drifting helplessly and Nora is in trouble.
She will be when I get on board.
It's a dangerous situation but look who happens to be passing by.
Who? Who?
You, you fool.
You realise Nora's in difficulties and you come to the rescue.
How?
Although I'm supposed to be unconscious,
secretly, I'll still be steering the boat.
I'll steer it close to the bank and you can step aboard!
I like it! I like it!
Well, here I am unconscious but still steering the boat.
I steer it in close to the bank...
and you step aboard. Here we go, Step aboard!
Ow-ow!
Oooh!
Aaaargh!
We'll dry you off and then you can borrow a suit of Clegg's.
What's he been up to now?
His neck.
Now, where you went wrong the last time... Listening to thee!
You stepped aboard too slowly. This time, jump.
How far? Not far. I'll bring the boat pretty near to the bank.
She's gonna be very impressed.
I mean, there's Nora, in distress, and there's you. What a coincidence!
Her hero just happens to be passing.
In MY suit.
But how can you lose a whole engine, Barry?
Things can fall off.
An entire engine? Maybe it was loose.
Help!
Help! Help!
There's somebody in difficulties in a boat.
Oh, God! What a day! First of all it's me engine...
Help!
It's OK - there's somebody brave going to jump in and rescue him.
Help!
You'll be OK this time. I've got it now.
Forget it! I'll help meself.
Come here, lass. Give us a kiss.
Eurgh! You're all wet!
I know. Well, hold me till I'm dry!
Oh! Oh!
I wish he wouldn't do that in my suit.
Of course there's no engine. Are you sure? Of course.
You don't think I'd make a mistake about a thing like an engine(?)
BUBBLES BURST
Subtitles by BBC Broadcast - 2004